Bereavement Bereavement At some time in our lives, most of us will be faced with the death of someone we care deeply about. We grieve and mourn the loss of a relationship, and in time this grieving helps us to go on living without the person who has died. We have tried to describe some of the feelings and experiences most frequently felt by bereaved people. Difficult though they may be, these feelings are normal. There are no ‘shoulds’ about when or how you experience these different emotions. Each of us reacts to loss in different ways. Shock, disbelief, pining Even when the death was expected, there can still be a sense of shock when it occurs. You may feel numb, strangely calm and detached or confused and unable to take in what has happened. For a while it may seem impossible to believe that someone close to you has died. It is quite common to think you can hear, see, smell or touch them. You may look for them in a crowd, listen for them when the phone rings, or look for them in a favourite chair - even though you may know they will not be there. You may dream about them. At times you may have the feeling that you are searching for something but are never able to find it. Strong and difficult feelings Grief is associated with stronger emotions than most people have felt before and you may feel that you are ‘going mad’. Your strongest emotion may be a feeling of relief, especially if the illness has lasted a long time or you had a difficult relationship. Perhaps you feel guilty for things you did or didn’t do. You may feel that things might have been different if you or others had acted differently. We are all human and some misunderstandings and disagreements are inevitable in all relationships. When someone dies we lose the opportunity to mend things with them, which can be particularly upsetting. Many bereaved people find themselves feeling angry - with the medical staff, God, family, friends, themselves or the person who has died. You may lose your sense of humour or the strangest things may make you laugh or giggle at inconvenient times. Feelings of anxiety, helplessness, fear and tremendous loneliness are common during this stage. There might be times when you feel that you no longer have a reason for living, that nothing interests you. You may think that you will never feel better again. Special anniversaries such as birthdays and holidays can be particularly hard and you may need extra help at such times. Do ask for it. Physical health It is quite normal to feel tired and unable to sleep, eat or concentrate properly. You may have physical pains that are not usual for you. For the most part, these are things that happen to many bereaved people but if they persist you should see your doctor. Try to eat properly and have enough rest even if you cannot sleep. Gentle exercise can help. Making decisions It’s not unusual to have difficulty remembering simple things or making everyday decisions. You may feel that you would cope better if you moved house and disposed of the things that are reminders of the person who has died. Bereavement is painful and it is much better to make important decisions like moving house when you are able to think more clearly. Try to avoid making decisions you might regret: give yourself time. If you have to make important decisions, talk them through with someone you trust who can help you consider the various options. Sharing your feelings If you feel like it, allow yourself to cry, laugh or be angry. You have lost someone you feel deeply about and it hurts. Remember you are an individual and will feel more comfortable doing things in your own way and at your own pace. If some friends seem to be avoiding you it is possible they are embarrassed because they feel helpless to say or do the ‘right thing’. They might be grieving too, or fear they or you will get upset. It may be up to you to make the first step, to let them know it would help you to talk about your loss with them. Grief is individual and each of us reacts differently. No-one can completely understand what another person’s grief is like, but it is an experience most of us go through and there are people willing to listen and understand as much as they can. If you have feelings of guilt, panic, anger, fear or self-pity, don’t try to hide them - they are part of your grief. Try to share them with an understanding listener. Family and friends play an important part but you may also find it helpful to contact the North London Hospice Loss and Transition Support Service. Gradually beginning a new life In time you will become aware that you are starting to have good moments, hours and days. You will find that you can listen to that special piece of music, watch that favourite television programme or remember something that you once shared with the one who has died, without feeling so sad. Your sense of humour will return. Gradually you will be able to renew your old interests and may want to take up new ones. At this time you might feel you are being disloyal to the person who has died or experience a wave of pain, just when you thought that you were feeling better. These fluctuating feelings can be confusing. How North London Hospice could help you You may find it helpful to read about other people’s experiences and advice following bereavement. Books and leaflets may be helpful and the Hospice has a number of these available on grief and loss, widowhood and helping children or teenagers. Your local bookshop or library should have a range of books too. Sometimes it is useful to talk to someone outside your family. We have staff and volunteers who are able to offer various types of support, including listening & counselling. They can help you to come to terms with your loss and to make your transition towards a new life. If you would like someone to talk to, please contact us. If the patient lived in Barnet/Haringey: Barry White Loss and Transition Support Coordinator in Finchley Telephone: 020 8343 8841 E-mail: [email protected] If the patient lived in Enfield: Marilyn Boulos Loss and Transition Support Coordinator in Enfield Telephone: 020 8343 8841 E-mail: [email protected] This leaflet summarises some of the thoughts and emotions which are entirely normal and which you may feel. No two people grieve in exactly the same way, so not all these comments will be right for you. We hope that knowing other people have similar feelings may make them less disturbing and frightening for you. If you would like a copy of our Statement of Purpose that gives a full explanation of the services we offer, it is available on request. North London Hospice in Finchley 47 Woodside Avenue London N12 8TT North London Hospice in Enfield 110 Barrowell Green London N21 3AY Your donations make our work possible Phone: 020 8343 8841 Fax: 020 8343 7672 Email: [email protected] www.northlondonhospice.org Registered Charity No. 285300 v4 Printed: Sept 2014 Latest review: May 2017