Spring-Fall 2015 - Visiting Nurse Service of New York

Todos
Tenemos
una
Dimensión
Espiritual
Signs of
Healing
page 1
page 3
VNSNY Hospice
Care Bereavement
Services Calendar
Spring-Fall 2015
The Paradox
of Suffering
____________
Grief and Guilt
Workshop
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pages 5-7
Seasons of Life
A Bereavement Newsletter from the VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care Program
Spring Summer Fall 2015
Volume 21 Issue 1
Signs of Healing
Adapted by The Rev. Vince Corso, M. Div., LCSW-R • From E.S. Zinner, Psy. D. • Reprinted with permission.
New Beginnings
When good days outnumber the bad, you are well on your way
toward successfully adjusting to your loss. For some, having a
24-hour period go by without asking the “why” question is a
positive sign. Another positive sign is when you begin to see
options and possibilities for a future without your loved one.
Change in Focus
J
ust as crocuses are the first sign of spring following the
bleakness and endlessness of a cold and dreary winter, there
are early signs of recovery from the long and painful
journey through grief.
Survivors come through the grief process forever changed by their
loss, but the majority do come through! Look sensitively and carefully for these sign of recovery:
Lessening of Pain
One early indicator of grief recovery is the lessening of the
frequency, intensity, and duration of emotional pain. Recurrent
thoughts about a loved one who has died, and chronic tearfulness
following this loss, are common bereavement symptoms, but
when you realize that you have had a few good days in a row,
recovery has begun.
As grief softens, you will find that you are able to talk about,
and remember, the deceased with greater pleasure. Memories
that once brought only pain and tears may now bring comfort
and even a smile as you recall your loved one’s favorite TV show,
favorite food, or the person’s sense of humor. You may notice, too,
that you talk more about the life of your loved one than about the
period associated with the death. This shift in focus provides
many more comforting memories than does the earlier dwelling
on the details surrounding the death. At the same time, a
more balanced picture that acknowledges the good and bad
characteristics of the deceased allows us to mourn the loss
of a human being—and not a saint.
Increased Enjoyment
As you work through your grief, your genuine enjoyment of
activities and people reappears. Laughter returns, uninterrupted
by thoughts of guilt about living on or of pain about being left
behind. Emotional energy that no longer goes into the early
phases of grief work can be invested in new activities or reinvested
in old pastimes and relationships. The process of “re-owning”—
that is, taking back hobbies, vacation spots and restaurants once
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
shared and, following the death, given up—is an important
step in grief recovery.
It takes courage to face old haunts for the first time, but
the creation of new memories nourishes and propels the
efforts toward fully living again.
Dear Friend-in-Grief,
My name is Marissa and it is an honor to share my story
with you.
Role of Comforter
Finally, a real test for grief recovery is the ability to
encounter grief and pain in others, with compassion and
empathy and without
your own grief being
“ The process of ‘re-owning’—
rekindled. Are you
taking back hobbies, vacaable to help others
tion spots and restaurants
in grief without
once shared and, following
becoming overthe death, given up—is an
whelmed by your
important step in grief
own losses? If the
answer is yes, then
recovery”
you have done well
in wringing out of your own experience the ability to offer
genuine comfort to others.
Seasons come and go, but our losses remain with us.
Recovery does not mean forgetting or going on as if wholly
cured. It does mean that acute pain caused by the loss is
now a bearable ache and that our commitment to go on
despite significant loss in our life will bear the fruit of love
and laughter once more.
Grass in Springtime
Moving with the gentle motion of the fresh breeze
I move gently back and forth with my fellow blades
in the sweet breath of spring.
We live outside and get wet or dry
With the varying weather and seasons.
I get trodden on by small feet
As children run and play up above.
They run and play and laugh and
sometimes I wish I could play
up above the sea of green,
feeling like you’re flying.
One day I might, I could be the special one
Who is picked up by loving hands
and breathed away gently
to the endless realm of sky.
—JRC
Sincerely,
The Rev. Vince Corso,
M. Div., LCSW-R, Manager of
Bereavement Services and
Community Education
Depression, pain and debilitating fear of the
unknown ruled our days and lay heavy over our
household. After one last terrible night of listening to
my husband’s hopelessness, we talked about a better way
. . . with hospice. I awoke the next morning and called
the Visiting Nurse Service of New York. From from that
moment on, a breath of fresh air entered our lives and
lifted the fear and isolation of living with terminal
cancer. It turned out to be the best decision we ever
made. During those last four months, the home
hospice care my husband received made it possible
for him to return to the things he loved…reading,
writing, and photography. We were also able to take
memorable walks through our Upper West Side
neighborhood where we worked, raised our children
and shared our lives together for 35 years. In fact,
hospice made such a qualitative difference that my
husband was fond of saying, “they gave me my life back.”
To the Entire VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care
Team: Thank you all for your intelligent, clear and
compassionate ability to guide us through this unique
experience called “dying.” I never knew there was so
much to learn, and you taught us well.
To Vanessa (My Husband’s Nurse): I will never forget
how much my husband loved and trusted you and
looked forward to your visits. Your incredibly honest,
natural manner and sensitivity to my husband’s
personality and needs far surpassed our expectations.
My husband died the way he wanted to—pain-free and
with dignity in the comfort of his own home and bed.
To the VNSNY Bereavement Counselors: You truly
are an amazing group of people. Always validating my
feelings and creating a safe, supportive environment
in which I could process, learn, and work through
my grief. I became a bereavement junkie, so to speak,
attending various groups, panel discussions, movies,
walks and one-on-one counseling throughout the past
year. So now I too can proclaim as my husband once
did, “VNSNY gave me my life back, or rather a way
back into life.”
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Thank you,
Marissa
Todos Tenemos una Dimensión Espiritual
Adoptado y reimprimido con el permiso amable de la Cancer Care, Inc.,
275 Séptima Avenida, Nueva York, NY 10001
1.800.813.HOPE • www.cancercare.org
F
uera que usted se halle en
una iglesia, sinagoga o
mezquita, usted es
persona espiritual. Todos
guardamos ciertas creencias y
valores acerca de lo que vale la
pena en la vida. Muchos han
experimentado momentos
elevados en los que se han
sentido conectados a un realidad
más profunda; fuera que identifique a esa realidad como Dios,
La Verdad o El Gran Misterio, como los indígenos
americanos lo hacen. Los momentos espirituales pueden
surgir a cualquier momento; como cuando se siente uno
cerca a la naturaleza, mira en la cara de un ser querido o
entra en una casa de adoración y siente un poder más alto.
Las creencias y experiencias de cada persona se
alimentan de distintas maneras. Para algunos, la
participación en una tradición es importante. Otros
extraen un entendimiento espiritual de la filosofía o las
artes. Cual sea su orientación espiritual, recuerde que
ésta es una dimensión de su vida que se puede desarollar
y fortalezer más.
Un Fuerte Sentido de la Espiritualidad
Puede Ayudarle
Un sentido de significado, propósito y conexión, más
aya de sí, puede ayudarle a tener una mejor calidad de vida
durante el proceso del duelo. La espiritualidad también
le puede ayudar a poner sus problemas en perspectiva. Las
prácticas, como la oración, la meditación y la adoración,
pueden ayudarle a calmarse y restaurarse. Muchos hallan
que el apoyo de los otros miembros de las comunidades
espirituales es una gran fuente de ayuda práctica
y emocional.
La Crisis Espiritual Como Senda
al Desarollo Espiritual
Recuerde que sus creencias espirituales y su perspectiva
pueden cambiar dramáticamente a través de su vida mientras usted madura y experimenta cosas nuevas. Una crisis,
aunque muy desafortunado, puede ser una parte normal de
este proceso—un tiempo para examinar sus creencias e ir
en busca de más profundas revelaciones en su vida.
Recuerde también que usted
tiene derecho de dudar e
interrogar a Dios y la manera en
que hallas comprendido a Dios,
hasta de sentir coraje. Muchas
de las tradiciones religiosas
tienen oraciones de duda y
queja. Casi la tercera parte de los
salmos en la Biblia, por ejemplo,
contiene cánticos de lamento o
queja (vease el salmo 22 o el
salmo 88). El tener dudas o
angustia no significa que usted no sea persona espiritual.
Fortaleciendo a Su Espiritualidad
A pesar de que esté en el proceso de fortalecerse,
o en medio de una evaluación nueva de sus creencias
espirituales, puede que las siguientes sugerencias le ayude:
• Tome tiempo a diario para meditar u orar. Ésto puede
traerle un sentido de calma o estabilidad durante
momentos difíciles.
• Lea las escrituras tales como las de la Biblia, el Korán
o el Bágavad Gita. Escrudiñando estas sagradas
escrituras puede ponerle al tanto de las antiguas
tradiciones de la sabiduría y darle un sentido de
conexión a una realidad más divina. Publicaciones
recientes sobre la espiritualidad también pueden
darle nuevas revelaciones.
• Busque la ayuda de otros. Puede que comienze usted
un diálogo duradero con su clero o consejero o
entrar en un grupo de meditación, oración o apoyo.
• Retírise a lugares espirituales, ambientes naturales
o conciertos y museos, para cultivar un sentido
espiritual de la paz.
• Mantenga una revista personal para que pueda
expresar sus sentimientos, pensamientos y memorias.
Puede ésto contribuir al proceso de descubrimiento
propio y desarollo espiritual.
El Sol Saldrá Mañana
(The Sun Will Rise Tomorrow)
El sol se levantará mañana y quién sabe lo
que traerá la marea?
The sun will rise tomorrow and who knows what
will bring the tide.
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
The Paradox of Suffering
The Rev. Vince Corso, M. Div., LCSW-R, Manager of Bereavement Services and Community Education
T
he film Steel Magnolias focuses on
themes of friendship, love, suffering,
illness, life and death. Within such
parameters the plot highlights the life, illness,
and dying process of a young woman played by
Julia Roberts. Her mom is artfully portrayed by
Sally Field. Toward the end of the film there is
a heart-wrenching scene at a graveside. In it, the
mom, played by Fields, is standing in silhouette,
staring into the grave of her young daughter,
who was newly married with an infant son. Needless to say,
this is a difficult scene to watch. With her circle of close
friends gathered by her side, Fields delivers an eloquent yet
tearful soliloquy questioning the universe as to why such
a terrible thing could happen to her daughter, such a
wonderful, young, vibrant person.
There really is no answer given by her friends, only
their steadfast companionship, sympathy, and humor.
This moving scene always leaves me with the same question about the nature of suffering in our world. Why
is there suffering, why does suffering seem so random,
so devastating? Having worked in the field of grief
and loss as well as ministry for over 30 years, this topic
raises the single most frequently-asked question in my
professional life: “What is the nature of suffering?”
“Why does suffering occur?” “What is the point of life
if we just will die, perhaps of a painful, relentless disease?”
Coming on May 14:
This age-old question takes many forms
and is expressed through many players. For
example, a young dad with pancreatic cancer
worries about his young family, filled with sorrow
that he will not get to see his children grow up.
A grown son mourning the death of his father
with whom he shared innumerable moments of
joy and life, contemplating how painful it was
to see his father become trapped in a body
consumed by ALS yet with his mind intact.
Devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, other natural disasters,
war, genocide—there are plenty of reasons to ask the question “Why does suffering exist?”
To ask this question is to open oneself up to a paradox.
By definition a paradox is statement that is seemingly
contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is
perhaps true. As a counselor, I encounter this question
in others and in myself, over and over again. I’ve found it
necessary to spend time reflecting on this paradox, trying
to put the question into focus—especially for the grieving.
Many bereaved often desire to find a reason for their loss,
often blaming someone or something. “If only I had prayed
more earnestly.” “If only I hadn’t done bad things when I
was younger.” “If only I had been stronger or wiser.” “If
only I had taken my husband to another specialist or tried
another round of chemotherapy.” The “what ifs” rarely
provide adequate solace or understanding, just more
questions. For this reason I’ve written a series of myths
and paradoxes which have proven to assist me in my own
journeys of grief and loss; it is my hope that they will
provide some insight for my readers:
Grief and Guilt:
How Do We Cope?
What Can We Learn?
• Myth: Suffering is part of some grand universal design.
O
•
ne of the common emotional reactions to the
death of a loved one are feelings of guilt and
regret. These feelings can be very painful and
lead grievers to judge themselves harshly. In this workshop we will have the opportunity to discuss various
strategies to manage feelings of guilt and learn how to
view past regrets from a new perspective.
Thursday, May 14
6:00pm—7:30pm
Christine Gallagher, LMFT 718-536-3187
Registration is Required
•
•
•
•
The paradox is that suffering often occurs in the daily
process of life.
Myth: Suffering exists in order to teach us something.
The paradox is that we can learn from suffering and
grow to become more fully human.
Myth: Suffering is a punishment. The paradox is
that suffering sometimes comes as the result of inadequate resources, poorly selected personal choices made
as individuals or as a society.
Myth: Suffering occurs to teach us something. The
paradox is that through suffering we often build
resilience, character, endurance, hope and humility.
Myth: Suffering occurs because one is weak. The
paradox is that one may be strengthened by the
journey through suffering.
Myth: Suffering can sometimes destroy us. The
paradox is that it can add meaning to our lives.
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Bereavement Services Spring-Fall 2015 Calendar
Pelkey Education Workshops
Presentations designed to teach about the grief process
Registration is required • Manhattan location
Labyrinth Walk
Saturday • May 2
9:30 a.m.
Debra Oryzysyn • 212-609-1929
[email protected]
Mother Loss Panel
Monday • May 11
6:00 p.m.—8:00 p.m.
Vince Corso • 212-609-1905
[email protected]
Grief and Guilt: How Do We Cope?
What Can We Learn?
Thursday • May 14
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
[email protected]
Father Loss Panel
Monday • June 15
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Debra Oryzysyn • 212-609-1929
[email protected]
How Long Does Grief Last?
Wednesday • June 24
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Vince Corso • 212 609-1905
[email protected]
Proceso de Luto (The Process of Grief)
Thursday • July 16
1:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
[email protected]
Book Club Discussion Group
The Orphaned Adult, by Alexander Levy
Thursdays • July 9 & 23, August 6 & 20
11:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
Stress Management and Self Care in Grief
Wednesday • July 15
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Vince Corso • 212 609-1905
[email protected]
Jueves Cine "El Camino"
Thursday • August 6
12:30 p.m.—4:30 p.m.
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
[email protected]
How Long Does Grief Last?
Wednesday • August 19
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Vince Corso • 212-609-1905
[email protected]
Mindfulness-Based Grief Support
Staten Island Location
For more information and the date, contact:
Alyssa Fishman • 718-370-4305
[email protected]
Mindfulness Based Grief Reduction
Watering Seeds of Calmness
Finding Peace • 16 Breathing Exercises • Oneness
of body and mind brings calm, presence and peace
Saturday • July 25
12:00 a.m.—1:30 p.m.
Jean Metzker • 718-888-6966
[email protected]
Saturday • September 12, 2015
10:00 a.m—4:30 p.m.
Jean Metzker • 718-888-6966
[email protected]
Anger: Finding Peace
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Bereavement Services Spring-Fall 2015 Calendar
4, 6, and 8 Week Groups
Bi-Weekly Groups
Adult Loss of a Parent • Manhattan
Tuesday • Afternoon Group • Brooklyn
Wednesdays • May 6, 13, 20, 27 •
June 3, 10, 17, 24
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811
[email protected]
Tuesdays • 12:00 p.m.—1:30 p.m.
May 5, 19 • June 2, 16 • July 7, 21 • August 4,
18, September 1, 15 • October 6, 20
November 3, 17 • December 1, 15
Coping with the Death of a
Spouse/Partner • Manhattan Evenings
Wednesdays • June 3, 10, 17 and 24
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Janet King • 212-609-1907
[email protected]
Mixed Emotions in Grief • Brooklyn
Beginning in September (6 sessions)
1:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155
[email protected]
Weekly Groups
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155
[email protected]
Spanish Bereavement Group • Manhattan
Thursdays • 1:30 p.m.—3:00 p.m.
May 14, 28 • June 11 • September 10, 24,
October 8, 22 • November 5, 19 and
December 3, 17
Liz Santana • 917-608-7220
[email protected]
Coping with the Death of a Spouse/Partner
• Staten Island
Thursdays • Beginning May 21st
5:30 p.m.—7:00 p.m.
Alyssa Fishman • 718-370-4305
[email protected]
Tuesday Night General Group • Manhattan
Tuesdays • 6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
John Anderson • 212-760-3146
[email protected]
Chinese-Language Bereavement Support
Tuesdays • 2:30 p.m.—4:00 p.m.
Pamela Yew Schwartz • 347-831-1811
[email protected]
“ The bereavement services offered by
VNSNY were like an oasis in a desert.
When I started the group, I felt isolated
and alone and I felt life had no meaning.
When the group was over, I felt refreshed
and on the path to healing.”
–Workshop Testimonial
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Bereavement Services Spring-Fall 2015 Calendar
Monthly Groups
Participants are encouraged to attend as many sessions as possible.
Men Coping With Grief • Manhattan
Mondays • May 4, 18 • June 1, 22 • July 6, 20,
August 3, 17, 31 and September 14
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m
Willis Partington • 718-888-6965
[email protected]
Young Adult Loss of a Parent • Manhattan
First Wednesday • May 6 • June 3 • July 1,
August 5 • September 2 • October 7 •
November 4, and December 2
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m
Vince Corso • 212 609-1905
[email protected]
Spanish Bereavement Group • Bronx
After the Death of a Brother/Sister
for Adults • Manhattan
Mondays • June 1, June 29 • July 27 • August 24 •
September 28 • October 26 • November 30
and December 28
6:00 p.m.—7:30 p.m.
Michelle Hamilton • 212-609-6120
[email protected]
For Those in the First Year of Grief:
Grieving the Death of a Loved One
in Hospice • Manhattan
Mondays • May 18 • June 29 • July 27 •
August 31.
1:00 p.m.—2:30 p.m.
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
[email protected]
Beginning May 14, 2015
Thursdays • 1:30 p.m.—2:30 p.m.
May 14, 2015 Held at: WHEDCO
50 E 168th Street (between Gerard &
Walton Ave) Bronx, NY
Laura Thielbaud Polanco • 917-675-0252
[email protected]
Managing Grief in the Second Year •
Manhattan
Third Thursday • May 21 • June 18 • July 16 •
August 20 • September 17 • October 15 •
November 19, and December 17
12:00 p.m.—1:30 p.m
Mary Kay King • 212-760-3138
[email protected]
Spousal or Partner Loss for
Older Adults • Queens
Third Wednesday each Month • August 19 •
September 16 • October 21 • November 18,
and December 16
11:00 a.m.—12:30 p.m.
Willis Partington • 718-888-6965
[email protected]
Friday Afternoon • Brooklyn
Fridays • May 29 • June 26 • July 31 • August 28,
September 25 • October 30 • November 20
and December 18
2:00 p.m.—3:30 p.m.
Dianna Sandiford • 718-787-3155
[email protected]
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life
Visiting Nurse Service of New York
Hospice and Palliative Care
Non-Profit
U.S. Postage
PAID
1250 Broadway, 7th floor
New York, NY
Permit No.
2147
NY, NY 10001
Look Inside for
Expanded Calendar of Events
Bereavement Services for Families with Children and Teens
Spring HEAL Event • Manhattan
Friday, May 8
6:00 p.m.—8:00 p.m.
Bereaved families with school-aged children are
invited to join us for this special evening event.
Dinner will be served.
You MUST register to attend.
To register, please call or email
Michelle Hamilton at: 212-609-6120
[email protected]
Seasons of Life
“The human heart has a way
of making itself large again
even after it's been broken
into a million pieces.”
― Robert James Waller,
The Bridges of Madison County
Editor: The Rev. Vincent M. Corso, M.Div, LCSW-R,
Manager of Bereavement Services and Community Education
Published with the help of VNSNY’s Marketing Department.
For more information please contact me:
[email protected] or call me at 212-609-1905
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VNSNY Hospice and Palliative Care • Seasons of Life