18 • The Coconut Telegraph • February 2015 Coco‘Nut’ Funnies Think Fast! An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator...’ Some old men can still think fast! Valentine’s Hallmark Sentiments for Keys Men 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave your sister! 7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night. 6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class, especially when I’m spanking your big-round ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, but now I’m fulfilled... SO GO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!! 4. Through all the things that have come to pass, our love has grown... but so has your ass. 3. You’re a honey...and a cutie, I just wish you had J-Lo’s “booty.” 2. I don’t want to be sappy or silly or corny, so right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny! 1. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store, in hopes that later, you’d be my whore. February 2015 • The Coconut Telegraph • 19 How to say “I love you” in 25 languages English I love you Spanish Te Amo French Je T’aime German Ich Liebe Dich Japanese Ai Shite Imasu Italian Ti Amo Chinese Wo Ai Ni Swedish Jag Alskar Teacher Arrested at JFK Airport A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport this morning as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.” The Attorney General went on to say “Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is ‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the dangerous and puts our government Attorney General said. They derive at risk.” “Oh, no thank you. I’m trying to drop a casket size.” \ Alabama Arkansas Kansas Oklahoma Texas North Carolina South Carolina Georgia Tennessee Idaho Missouri Mississippi Montana Louisiana Virginia West Virginia Kentucky parts of Florida Nice Ass, Get in the Truck Three blonde men are stranded on an Island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he Is turned into a brownhaired man and swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so he is turned into a black-haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the Island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge. JOHN McKINNA is a local musician, a best-selling author, and a published, syndicated cartoonist. We feature his cartoons every month in the Coconut Telegraph! IRS PROBLEMS? Are you in trouble? Leins • Levies • IRS letters • Non-filing We have solutions! Jerr y Gaddis MBA ENROLLED AGENT / NTPI FELLOW TROPICAL TAX SOLUTIONS CONSULTATION • PREPARATION • REPRESENTATION IN THE CEDAR TOWERS 99353 OVERSEAS HWY, SUITE 214 KEY LARGO, FLORIDA 33037 305.451.4829 WWW .T ROPICAL T AX . COM LOCAL’S FAVORITE! Best-kept secret for 30 years! Keys Eating at Its Finest... Overlooking the Water The Hideout Restaurant 305-451-0128 FRIDAY FISH FRY ALL YOU CAN EAT $12.95 5-9 PM • Bev. Incl. —Daily Specials— Breakfast Served ‘til 2PM Daily 7 Days a Week - 6 AM to 2 PM & Friday Nights 5-9 PM MM 103.5 • Oceanside (Transylvania Ave. to the End) Monday night @ Snooks Tuesdays @ Gilberts What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down stairs? Fridays @ Gilberts Saturday night @ Snooks with “That Band” a condescending con descending 305-360-1127 Take Grama to Num Thai and check out her chopsticks skills. bobbebrown.com