Working with parents Going it alone: what is it like having a baby as a lone mother? Pen Mendonça describes some of her experiences and talks to lone mothers providing support to others. When I turned forty I was single, and either ‘childfree’, or ‘childless’, depending on whom I was talking to. I desperately wanted children but my prospects were not looking good. A mid-life crisis had been brewing for some time. I decided to embrace it. I gave up my flat, bought a red car, explored new places and made new friends. And I started listening to The Cure again. I couldn’t believe it when, after a summer of reckless romance, a second pastel pink line appeared on my pregnancy test. I was elated. But when I began bleeding a couple of months later I felt as if I was slowly choking. ‘All too often antenatal literature paints an overoptimistic portrait of happy mothers and fathers.’ From then on I could think of nothing but getting pregnant. I read all the books I could get hold of. I became a health freak obsessed with ovulation tests and strategically timed ‘love’-making. Before long I was smiling at my GP again as he presented me with my certificate of achievement: a new copy of Emma’s Diary. I really didn’t like Emma or her husband and I had a suspicion that I was not the only one who felt this way. All too often antenatal literature paints ‘an overoptimistic portrait of happy mothers and fathers’.1 I was hospitalised at 28 weeks. On discharge the consultant sentenced me to 11 weeks of bed rest. This wasn’t an easy option for a freelancer desperately needing to top up the nappy fund. I did time watching Loose Women, Poirot and Colombo. Within a week a community midwife told me that I should return to work. She did so without knowing the details of my hospital admissions, or knowing the demands of my career. My GP helped me make sense of the conflicting advice. He was the only health professional I saw more than twice. In the end my baby arrived safely at 41 weeks. My transition to motherhood involved one GP, four technicians, five community midwives, six consultants, about 20 hospital midwives, numerous reception, catering and cleaning staff, an anaesthetist, a pair of forceps and a well-built obstetrician. I am grateful to all of them. Social attitudes and diversity Family life in Britain has changed. Nearly a quarter of households with dependent children are lone parent families, and 92% of lone parents are women.2 For many, ‘family’ now includes their most intimate and important relationships rather than only those with whom they have blood or marriage ties, and distinctions between singles and couples are less clear with short-term and non-cohabiting relationships.3 Despite these changes it is still the intact heterosexual two-parent family that is associated with ‘good’ parenting. Even now women embarking on single motherhood may need to defend their decision,4 particularly if they are seen as having chosen their destiny. But while some women want to parent on their own others make the choice because of circumstances. For example, the biological father may not want the child, or he may be violent or in prison. © Pen Mendonça 4 Perspective - NCT’s journal on preparing parents for birth and early parenthood • June 2012 Working with parents ‘At my own antenatal classes it was tough being the only single woman alongside nine couples.’ Mutual support I spoke to some remarkable women who volunteer as lone-mother contacts for NCT‘s Shared Experiences Helpline. Several also juggle this with running antenatal classes and support groups, or being doulas as well as looking after their children. Their experiences of maternity motivated them to support others who may be feeling excluded, judged or misunderstood. ‘I didn’t even go to antenatal classes,’ one woman told me. ‘Subconsciously I didn’t want to get in the situation where I might have to talk about the [absent] father. I spent a lot of time completely isolated’. Following the birth of her child she ended up making a formal complaint to the NHS after being treated disrespectfully by midwives who were ‘blatant in their disapproval’ of her as a young, single pregnant woman. Another woman who went through her pregnancy alone was told that a local NCT antenatal class would not be appropriate for her and was recommended an Asian single women’s group. But this was not what she wanted: ‘People make assumptions about you and this makes it harder to ask for help’. One of these NCT practitioners said, ‘I feel there are some unhelpful attitudes about single motherhood within the NHS and NCT’. Single women could be marginalised My experience was more recent and more positive. The majority of health professionals who cared for me were professional and thoughtful despite working in a challenging environment. What surprised me was the number of younger midwives who asked me when the ‘father’ or ‘hubby’ was coming to visit. I am sure they were just being friendly, but because so many different people worked with me, I was asked this question far too often. Constantly having to explain that I was single at a time when I was at my most vulnerable was exhausting. Even the most stoic of us single mums can find it hard as hordes of loving partners and doting fathers walk past with beaming smiles and bouquets of flowers. I do wonder if, in the move to improve engagement with fathers, there is a risk that the needs of single women using maternity services could be marginalised. There may still be issues and uncertainties about the degree of involvement from the ‘birth’ father, and personal issues to work through about becoming a single mother (particularly if it’s your first child). At my own antenatal classes it was tough being the only single women alongside nine couples, and while I learnt a lot, the course did nothing to prepare me for the ‘single’ part of motherhood. I would have appreciated a course that acknowledged – even celebrated - diverse family forms. I am pleased to hear NCT is working with Cerrie Burnell, CBeebies presenter, to raise the profile of lone parents. ‘Even the most stoic of us single mums can find it hard as hordes of loving partners and doting fathers walk past with beaming smiles and bouquets of flowers.’ How much does lone parenthood matter? Studies have shown that being single can contribute to increased risks, poorer health outcomes for babies and mothers, and lower satisfaction with maternity services.5,6 And of course single motherhood is also associated with significant economic and social disadvantage.7,2 Some health workers and activists say that relationship status is not the issue. Instead, what matters is whether or not you have reliable support for the birth and early motherhood. This support may come from a partner, grandparent, friend or doula. The women I spoke to agreed that this kind of support was vital and added that there is an urgent need for focused engagement with women who don’t have the support of a partner, to explore and respond to their needs. So what would help? • Having one consistent midwife throughout my pregnancy would have made my care more personcentred, and saved the health service money. Perspective - NCT’s journal on preparing parents for birth and early parenthood • June 2012 • I would have welcomed antenatal classes that recognised and celebrated diverse family forms within their design, their facilitation, their supporting materials and their participants. • Don’t assume that the presence of a substitute ‘birth partner’ (who may not even live with the woman let alone help pay the bills) means that being single is not an issue. • Women need to be offered phone and email support, and more home visits. Perhaps mentioning the Shared Experiences Helpline at all courses would be worthwhile, especially for any lone mother. As for me, I am happy to finally be a mum. But being the sole carer and breadwinner brings its own challenges, especially when you are trying to finish an article while pretending to play with Lego. References: 1. Asher R. Shattered: modern motherhood and the illusion of equality. London: Harvill Secker; 2011. 2. Gingerbread. Gingerbread: statistics. Available from: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/content. aspx?CategoryID=365 3. Kaufmann JC. The single woman and the fairytale prince. English edition. Cambridge: Polity Press; 2008. 4. Thomson R, Kehily MJ, Hadfield L et al. Making modern mothers. Bristol: The Policy Press; 2011. 5. Department of Health. Maternity matters: choice, access and continuity of care in a safe service. London: Department of Health; 2007. Available from: http://tinyurl.com/DoH-MM-CACC2007 6. Raleigh VS, Hussey D, Seccombe I, et al. Ethnic and social inequalities in women’s experience of maternity care in England: results of a national survey. Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine 2010;103(5):188-98. 7. Neate R, Stewart H. Women bear the brunt as Birmingham hits hard times again. Available from: http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2011/aug/21/ women-bear-the-brunt-as-birmingham-hits-hardtimes-again Shared Experiences Helpline Let your clients know about NCT’s Shared Experiences Helpline. Call 0300 330 0700 on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday from 9am – 3pm. The coordinator screens all calls and refers them on to appropriate contacts. Callers can leave a message outside of these hours and someone will call them back. Potential volunteers to act as supporters are always welcomed by the coordinator. 5